I have been sick with a lousy stomach bug the past couple days. Diarrhea, vomiting, fever, chills, body aches, exhaustion. You know, the kind of bug that makes it unwise to venture to far from a bathroom. The kind that has you feeling so god-awful miserable you almost wish for death.
And isn’t it so heart-warming the way animals can sense when you are feeling bad? And contrive to be EVEN BIGGER BRATS than normal? As I staggered my way the barn to do chores, moaning with self-pity with every step, I found myself LOCKED out of the barn! The sheep had been playing with the inside door latch and managed to lock me out. I had to drag my sorry ass around the barn and crawl in through the haymow door.
As the day progressed the chickens knocked over their feeder, the cats knocked an egg out of a nest box, the sheep got out of the fence, the chickens made a concentrated run at the cat food when I put it down, and the cats took total advantage of my misery – jumping on my back/shoulders every time of stopped to rest and feel sorry for myself.
Seriously. Who is in charge here?
“Why are you guys on the lawn?!”
“We are just cleaning up the grapes the wind blew down from the vine in the tree, Keen. It would be a shame for all these good concord grapes to go to waste.”
“And why are you out of the fence in the first place?! How did the fence get on the ground?”
“Don’t even try telling me the wind blew it down! Now get your woolly asses back in the pasture! NOW!!!”
Girls, we need to talk! And this is for each and every one of you wooly jerks!
Levi and I went to Dairyland for lunch today. While Levi and I were giving our orders Linda Bartlett gave me some very interesting news. I can see by the guilty shuffling of your hooves that you know exactly what I am talking about. Linda commented to me that my sheep sure do love banana splits. I said, “Whaaaaat?”
Oh, yes, she informed me that every night before closing you guys show up and order cheese fries and banana splits. Seriously, WTF?! Here I am, going crazy, trying to get you guys to lose weight and you’re sneaking out after chores every night to eat junk food!
And “borrowing” Dad’s suburban. Do you realize he’s been suspecting the neighbors of siphoning gas? You guys aren’t even licensed! What if you got pulled over? His insurance would go through the roof!
If you MUST go to Dairyland, here are the rules; #1 You WALK! It’s only a few miles and, let’s face it, you need the exercise! #2 No more cheese fries! You may have salad, no dressing! And #3 NO MORE BANANA SPLITS! A small frozen yogurt, that’s it.
I don’t want to hear any baaaing about it! You guys are in so much trouble right now!