Month: July 2017

We need to talk…

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Me: Bear, we need to talk.

Bear: Scratches?

Me: Alright, I will give you scratches. But we need to talk about your weight. Your belly almost hangs down to your knees!

Bear (hanging her head): I know. I can’t seem to lose weight no matter what I do.

Me: Well, I have been cutting back on your food, hoping to help you lose weight. But I really wish you would stop yelling at me about it. It’s for your own good, you know.

Bear: More scratches?

Me: ~Sigh~ Yes, more scratches. But you need to lose weight!

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Me: Moana, we need to talk. You’re too fat! You need to lose weight!

Moana: I am not fat! I’m a sheep. I am fluffy!

Me: Sissy sheared you last week. You are not fluffy now, but you are still fat!

Moana: I am big-boned!

Me: See this big belly right here? This thing that wobbles back and forth when you walk? That is no bone!

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Me: Fatty Patty, we need to talk.

Fatty Patty: I’m busy right now. I am eating.

Me: That’s the problem. You eat too much. Look at you! Your back is like a dining room table!

Fatty Patty: A dining room table with food on it?

Me: ~Sigh~

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Me: Freckles, we need to talk. You are too fat. You’re almost as wide as you are tall!

Freckles: You’re a fine one to talk about anyone else’s weight. Look at YOU!

Me: I know I’m too fat. But I am not in danger of being culled for being too fat! Besides, this is about you’re weight, not mine.

Freckles: Don’t you-fat shame me, Keen! I have rights, you know!

by farmerkeen

“Getting Dressed”

Keendays are the days when I get to babysit my nephew, Levi. He is the one who gave me the name Keen when he was just starting to talk. “Aunt Carleen” was too much for him to master, so I became “Keen”. Nowadays I am Aunt Keen.

Yesterday was a Keenday. After breakfast I sent him to his room to get dressed while I went out to the front porch to have a smoke. I had not quite finished my cigarette when he came out the front door, completely naked. He stood there on the top step, asking me one question after another about many random subjects. Finally I reminded him that he was supposed to be getting dressed and that every car driving past on the road could see his “business”. He said, “Oh, yeah.” and headed back to his room, ostensibly to put some clothes on.

After a few minutes I went to check on his progress to find this:

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After drawing two ninja turtles and Shredder and convincing me to draw Splinter it was time to complete the process of getting dressed….

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After accompanying himself on the guitar to “Bingo was his name-o”, dancing around the room, and inviting me to play a tune as well, it was REALLY time to get dressed…

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AFTER a wrestling match with BigBear, running from one end of the house to the other a couple of times, and taking pictures of Mr. Magoo, the cat, on his camera, Aunt Keen was starting to lose her cool a little bit. “GET YOUR CLOTHES ON!” At which point he actually did open his dresser drawer and got some clean clothes out….

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He actually put on some underwear, pulled his little tool box out form under the bed and proceeded to take inventory of all his tools, measure everything in his room with his little tape measure, and inform me he needed a “real tool belt” for his next birthday.

As he rambled on he began planning out what toys we were going to play with for Keenday. (Tinker toys first, then tractors) I reminded him that we couldn’t play anything until he PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! Oh, yeah. Finally, finally he actually put some on shorts and a shirt. (After a thoughtful consultation regarding which shorts and shirt combo would be best for the day.)

The whole process of “getting dressed” must have taken at least 45 minutes. I was exhausted. He was raring to go! And it wasn’t even lunch time yet….

by farmerkeen

Keenday Photo Session

Levi and I had planned on a Keenday picnic for our lunch, then a trip to the village pool before chore time. The weather, however, had different ideas. The rain started just as we had our food ready to head to our planned picnic spot. (Naturally.) So, we decided to have our picnic on Sissy’s front porch. It actually turned out to be an enjoyable meal. Sissy’s porch is deep enough for us to have plenty of room to be comfortable and to stay completely dry. At the same time we had a full view of Sissy’s flower bed, her front yard, along with the birds, chipmunks, snails, etc. that were out and about during the storm. After eating I wanted to get some shots of the rain soaked flowers. It was perfect. My camera and I were dry under the porch, yet the flowers were right there on the other side of the drip-line. Levi had just gotten fresh batteries in his camera that morning, so he was snapping lots of photos of his own. June, Levi’s dog, and Thomas, one of his cats, were also enjoying the rain from the dryness of the porch. It was cozy, cool, comfortable, beautiful, relaxing. Not the day we had planned, but a good Keenday none the less.

by farmerkeen

Not for all readers

OK, the most hilarious thing happened in the barn tonight. However, I fear that some people will think it’s a case of TMI. So, I am warning you now, if scatological humor is offensive to you, DO NOT read this post. Really.

I was doing chores tonight when my tummy suddenly felt very upset. I was “caught short”. I had to poop. Right now! I knew there was no way I could make it to the house without an accident. It was an emergency situation. I had to squat over the gutter, quickly! (We do not have a bathroom, or running water for that matter, in the barn. We do keep a roll of cheap paper towels there, though.)

Sooo, as I am squatting there, trying to keep my balance, the hens all come running to see what I am doing. They have never seen me in this particular position before, with my pants down, no less. So here are all six chickens gathered around me, staring at me intently. When chickens are REALLY interested in something they will turn their head to the side so they can focus with one eye. Six eyes fixed on my backside, unblinking, bobbing around to ensure the best possible view.

When the… ummm … deposit exited my body and landed in the gutter, the hens all drew their heads back and collectively said bucka-buck! They seemed so surprised! I think maybe they thought I had laid some kind of a weird egg. When I stood up they all circled around it, giving it their one-eyed intense concentration. After a few minutes they lost interest and wondered away. But their reaction to the actual evacuation was hilarious. The whole situation was hilarious. I was literally laughing out loud as I squatted there.

I remember my dad being sick when I was a kid and we had the cows. Farmers can’t call in sick. Cows need to be milked, even if you have a fever, bronchitis, or a stomach virus. I remember dad having vomiting/diarrhea, having to use the gutter, leaning against the cows because he felt so weak and miserable, but needing to keep working. I, too, have done chores many, many times while sick. Hacking my lungs out with bronchitis, dizzy with fevers, walking slow and stiff from back spasms… . But I never thought the gutter squat would happen to me! Nor did I ever imagine that I would be laughing out loud if it did.

It must have been something I ate disagreeing with me, because I felt better immediately after “the deed” was done and I feel fine now. And, as embarrassing as relating this has been, I am still chuckling to myself as I recall the one-eyed intense gaze from all 6 hens as they ogled my bare behind and then their heads whipping back with their synchronized bucka-bucks. I figured if I can laugh at telling about it, as embarrassing as it is, then other folks would probably get a good laugh out of it as well.

Like I’ve said before, every day is an adventure!

by farmerkeen

Picky, picky, picky…

See all that thick, lush, juicy grass? I led the sheep right to it, then headed back to the barn to do chores. Not even 10 minutes passed before they were all crowded at the gate, yelling at me that they were STARVING! You tell me; do they look malnourished to you? Anyone? Brats!

 

by farmerkeen

Brats!

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The brats got out of the fence on me today. Grrrr! Jumped right over it. How in the heck they get their spindly legs to launch their fat butts that high is beyond me!

by farmerkeen

Still here

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My new little froggie friend from the other day must like it here. Saw him hanging out at the outside water tub today. Yay! Eat all the flies and mosquitoes your little tummy can hold little fella! Tell your friends there’s plenty to go around.

by farmerkeen

Sheep Diet Fail

Bear, Moana, Fatty Patty! You guys have been on a diet for months; why are you still so fat?! Now that Sissy has shorn you, the wool does not hide your obesity any more. How can you still be so fat after months of being on a diet? How can this be?

by farmerkeen

Spa day for the girls

Sissy came to shear some sheep yesterday. They would get a hair cut, worm treatment, and a mani-pedi. So, they will be cooler, their tummies will feel better, and their hooves will be nicely trimmed. All good things. So, naturally they all headed to the opposite end of the barn and made it difficult for Sissy to catch them.

by farmerkeen